Filthycute’s Weblog

Well that’s it. Friendship over. There are no words left to say. I’m moving out on Friday and will probably lose the best friend I ever had. And the worst part of it? I don’t even know where it all went wrong.

So I started moving stuff over to the new house at the weekend. Managed only 2 trips before getting bored! I’m not even really sure how I feel about the new place anymore, which is a bit worrying. It is nice, sure. It’s just a bit…pine! The rest of the house is grand…it’s just my room. Coz it’s a house-share, there’s not a lot I can be doing with it. But the floor is pine, the bed is pine, the lockers are pine, the wardrobes are pine, the mirror is pine, the doors are pine…it’s a bit overwhelming! But I think once all my stuff is moved in it’ll be a bit less obvious. I’m hoping it’s only because the room is empty that it looks so noticable.

Quite excited to be moved in though. But I wish it didn’t require all the effort to move everything over. I’m looking forward to getting the deposit back on the current place, too, so I can go buy a TV for my room and a bookcase for all my books. Only problem is, it’s going to have to be a pine bookcase. And there’s no way i’m going to want to take it to another house with me. Ugh.

Still waiting to hear if I have Friday and Monday off. Could really do with it. I’m gonna need all the time I can get to move my stuff over. Still trying to figure out exactly how i’m going to do it though. I can’t afford a moving van, can’t even afford to rent out a car. So think it’s gonna have to be a taxi. I figure if I take as much over as I can in a taxi on Friday morning, that gives me the rest of Friday and all day Saturday to get the rest of it moved over on the DART! Trying to aim to get it all packed up tonight [bar the essentials for the week] so I can just forget about it.

Room needs SUCH a clean though. The room as an en-suite and it’s just filthy rotten. Yuck. Needs a scrub, that’s for sure. And the room could do with a proper clean, wipe down of the walls and a hoover. And the doors are all in desperate need of a bit of WD40! The squeeking is horendus! Least it’ll be something to keep me occupied with for a week or so

On a completely different note…i’m thinking about getting a bike. A push bike, like! I figure i’m in desperate need of exercise…my work trousers now really are too tight. And figure coz i’m going to be living so close to the coast with a cycle route on it, it’d be ace to just have a bike! And also means I might be more inclined to do things. Coz i’m an awful one for just not bothering if it’s going to take too long! Like, I might think I’ll head to Tesco and get some shopping in. Then remember that it’s a 30min walk to Tesco so just go to the corner shop and buy crap! Least with a bike it’ll be quicker and feel like less effort.

We’ll see!

I don’t even know if anybody reads this blog, like. But i’m going to ask this on here anyway:

If I were going to go to the doctor with depression…what do I say? I feel like such a fluke, like…do I just come straight out with it and say i think i’m depressed? I mean, I have all the symptoms. And I have had them for months. And now with the self harm thrown in there too, i’m pretty much a wreck. But i’m still too scared/embarassed to go. What do I say? And do I have to take money with me when I go, to pay for it? Or do they bill you? I really have no idea.

Oooh Myyyy Gooood!

There is an air display on in Bray in 2 weeks time!!! SO exciting. I know it’s probs not cool to get this excited over an air display but eeee! Nearly embarassed myself infront of the whole carriage on the DART this morning when I saw the poster!

My dad used to take us to every air display that was on when we were kids. Me, dad and my brother. I used to be able to name every aircraft and used to just love it! The atmosphere was amazing and I always used to love the noise when the planes came right down close and it was all you could hear.

Oh man, i’m so excited! I just need to find/bribe somebody to come with me!

I think A might have told N stuff I told A in confidence…and that is really beginning to annoy me. I trusted A. I thought she was my friend. I didn’t expect her to then go and tell everything I told her to N. Especially not when I made 100% certain she knew it was to be kept in confidence. You know? Ugh. I guess i’ll just have to watch what I tell her from now on.

Oh man…so so sleepy. Hardly slept the past 2 night because of our stupid boiler. It hasn’t stopped hissing and rattling and doesn’t help that i’m a light sleeper anyway! Can’t wait for the electrician to get it sorted this afternoon for us.

Have a migraine coming on, too, which is just typical. Have taken both the pink and the yellow Migraleve today and it’s still not dissapearing. And too scared to ask my boss if I can go home early before it becomes a fully-fledged migraine too. Especially since I took Monday off with one, too.  Blah.

Meant to be going out for a birthday meal for A’s 25th tonight, too. But recon i’ll have to miss it if this migraine doesn’t get better fast. That’ll put me in the good books, sure. GRR.

AND, found out last night that N (Housemate/best-friend) has one of her friends coming over from England on the weekend i’m supposed to be moving out. She was supposed to be helping me pack and move stuff to the new place n’all that. Now, obviously, she’s not. I didn’t say anything about it to her when she said…don’t think she’d even registered it was the same weekend. But I didn’t want to start an argument, so figured i’ll just have to do it all on my own. I’m sure i’ll manage.

Ps. John Mayer’s new live album ‘Where The Light Is’ is AMAZING. Has my fave song on there too ‘In Your Atmosphere’ and he even does a little ditty at the end which I adore. *melts*

Ah great. So on top of an argument with my moody housemate/friend that resulted in her slamming her door on me and me in tears on the DART into work this morning, I now have just been told by one of my other close friends to stop speaking to her because i’m putting her “in the middle”. I am doing no such thing. We were discussing her birthday and what she wanted for it - I said myself and N (Housemate) were gonna go halvers on something for her but N has since decided she doesn’t want to share with me so will get something herself. To which A (birthday-friend) told me to stop putting her in the middle and to not speak to her.

I seem to be dropping friends here, left right and centre. I hate it. Was trying to organise to meet up with A tonight after work to get her a present, too, so now i’ll just have to head home and spend the evening trying not to talk to the housemate. I’m USELESS at the whole non-talking thing. But she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to speak to me and that any plans we might have had for tomorrow/this weekend are cancelled.

Fcking hell. So close to crying here at work. Starting to wonder if i’m actually depressed.

Can’t wait to move out now. Only another 2 weeks to go. It’s weird…coz i’m looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I don’t know how on earth I am going to cope on my own…i’ll have to manage though I guess. Meh.

[Sorry for whinging on in here. It's just it's about the only place I can actually vent. But I am aware I probrably come across as an over-reacting whiner].

So i’ve not been doing so well, lately. I feel the same way I did back when I was at Uni. Completely alone.

I  know i’m not - I know I have plenty friends and family there for me…but just not ‘quite’ there. It’s hard to explain. Put it this way - on Saturday afternoon I was bored so I went through my phonebook and I text all my friends. Irish friends, English friends, Canadian friends, Australian friends. They all got a text. None of this generic-texting stuff either. Each text was especially for them. Did I get any responses at all? No.

There could be a hundred different reasons why nobody replied to me, and I tried to just brush it off and laugh about it! Telling myself they must be out of credit/on holiday/busy etc. It was fine.

I currently live in an apartment with one of my best friends, so I tried to speak to her but she wasn’t up for company and wanted some time to herself. Also fair enough. But now I was completely on my own. We live in the middle of nowhere and there is nothing to do and nowhere really to go.

So I sat and did nothing. Read my book, cleaned up a bit, that sorta thing…but still felt really bored and blah.

Fastforward another day - now i’m still feeling the same - i’ve no texts still and my housemate is still not wanting any company. My book is finished, the cleaning was done the previous night, i’ve no money and it’s raining. Lovely. So I sit in the livingroom on my own and stare at the sleeve of my top and try to work out how many threads it takes to make it and other such yawn-worthy things.

Next day and it’s Sunday, me and the housemate go out for a carvery and come back - she goes straight to her room and closes the door to read her magazines. I sit in the livingroom and read mine. The plan was that we would spend the afternoon watching films and chilling out and chatting. But she never materialises from her room. Turns out she didn’t want to watch tv afterall. So she stays in there all day saying she wants to be on her own. Fair enough, again. Though i’m still just as bored and just as lonely. Sunday night she decides to go out with one of her friends. So she DOES want company, just not mine. Again, fair enough. She heads out and I think I sat in the living room for about…20seconds after she’d gone before I just completely broke down.

I don’t even know what happened. But I think all the last few days of loneliness and blahness just sorta came out. I was a mess. I was hyperventilating, crying, sobbing, couldn’t catch my breath at all. I had text another friend of mine who lives in the neighbouring village to see if she could come over and give me a hug. I felt THAT crap, like. She said no. I assume she had something on, since she didn’t elaborate. But I knew it was a request I shouldn’t really have made so I just kept quiet. I felt like I had had a stroke or something. I was still crying and struggling for breath etc but my left eye would no longer open up and the left side of my lip was pulled up in a sneer. I think, in hindsight, I might have just had cramp in my cheek and that that’s what did that. I hunted around the apartment for a paper bag to breath into to get my breathing regulated again and took me a good 20mins to calm myself down. I was a state.

That was Sunday.

Monday was the same. Housemate had gone straight from work to the pub and was out all night. I had sent another round of texts out but still no replies.

Tuesday we were both at home, but she, again, wanted her own space and shut herself away in her room. By this point I was going crazy with it…I literally couldn’t stand another day on my own. And, if i’m honest, I didn’t deal with it the best way. And I hate myself for that. I sat in her room and bugged her talking. I wasn’t TRYING to annoy her, I was just so so fed up of being on my own. Ended up having a big argument with her and slamming her door and sitting in the livingroom on my own in tears.

1hr later I still couldn’t calm myself down…I was just so pent up. I went into my room and I cut myself.

And I haven’t done that since Uni. I now sport 3 long lines lengthways along the insidde of my left arm. Cried myself to sleep and woke up this morning still feeling no better.

I’m going to be on my own again tonight in the apartment and i’m so scared I might do it again. I hate myself for it but there is literally nobody I can talk to about any of this. My friends aren’t replying to me for whatever reasons, I can’t speak to my housemate about it because a) I know how much she dispises people who Self Harm and b) Because I don’t want her to feel guilty.

I’m just completely stuck.

And I know it sounds so stupid to think I can get like this over such a small thing of being bored and lonely. But there are other contributing factors (i’m currently in the process of packing up my stuff to move out - which I don’t want to do, particularly. But the housemate wants to move out so I have to to. And currently trying to figure how i’m going to cope on my own 24/7) that are in my head and probrably influencing behavours too.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

You know something? You have completely surpassed yourself with your bitchyness this morning. You are in a mood. You and Amy have no right to decide for me what I want to do. I wasn’t holding a grudge for the sake of it, Nic. I was doing it because I was upset and angry and fed up of it all. And then in swan you two on Saturday insisting I go out with you and that we’re putting this whole thing behind us. Well that’s very nice of you two to think so. But it isn’t going to happen. I won’t deny it - it was nice to not have to fight you. It was nice to be able to chatter and have a laugh like we used to. But the problems were still there.
It’s now Wednesday and you’re now in the same mood. You’re ignoring me and tutting and telling me what I can and can’t do all over again. And you expect me not to say anything about it because ‘it was all sorted over the weekend’. It bloody wasn’t sorted! You swept it under the carpet and pretended things weren’t wrong. But i’m afraid you’re still the same selfish, bitchy, nasty, moody and indecisive person you always were. And you no doubt always will be.
I know i’m hardly little miss perfect myself. I know I have a tendency to talk too much and I ask too many questions. And you’re right - we’re not a couple. I have never ever thought we were. It’s Amy who is forever saying that. We are housemates. We are supposed to be friends. But you know what - every day, lately, I have had to resist looking on Daft.ie for a place to move out to. It will solve all our problems.

*sigh*

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Friends, family, and my better judgement, tells me I should leave. I should move out and hope things work themselves out. But I know you’ll think that petty and pathetic. And I know I shouldn’t think about what you’ll think - I know I should do it for myself. But it’s not that easy. I’ve lost all identity in myself. I’ve lost any independance I had. And I don’t think I could put up with you hating me anymore. I’m scared if I move out that i’ll never see you any more. I’ve lived with you for 15 months and I know how infrequently you bother to speak to or see your friends. And I know that’ll be no different with me. And I don’t think I could cope with that.

But I guess i’ll have to. I’m so obviously not happy as I am. I’m not happy. I’m not even close to being happy. So I guess I should do something about it. I’ll try to speak to you tonight about it. I already know how you’ll react though. But you know what? This time i’m really not bothered. I’ll let the landlord know too.

Is this really happening?